“Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we learn here.” ~Marianne Williamson
I have suffered for as long as I can remember from a chronic case of lacking in self-love. But that isn’t where this story begins.
It begins in a bright hospital in Cape Town on the hottest day of the year, when I came into the world twenty-eight years ago. My sister, then already eighteen years old, waited excitedly to meet me.
I am told that I would not sleep unless I was cuddled into her warm tummy, and if she ever moved me from her heartbeat I would awaken crying.
My sister was not my earthly mother but she was my spiritual one. She was my anchor in this world and she was my greatest teacher. She was my everything.
But despite the way in which she loved me, I spent my life not loving myself.
A Chronic Disconnection
I pushed away every man that ever cared for me and sought men who would hurt me. I abused my body with drugs, alcohol, and more. I found hatred in every relationship and created it if there was none.
On the surface, I walked around like any normal person but actually my world was a reflection of my chronic inner desolation.
Why, you may ask?
The answer is that I don’t really know. It may have been because of my childhood. It may have been because of a past life.
But the how, whys, whens never mattered. What mattered was how I clung to them because I didn’t know that there was any other reality.
My First Moment Of Connection
When I was twenty-two I had a nervous breakdown, or as I like to call it, a “miracle,” and I went to live with my sister.
She introduced me to the notion of self-love and how this was the answer to everything.
“Love heals everything,” she said smilingm as the wind chimes echoed in the breeze. The sound of the river ran endlessly beside the cottage and night-sky seemed as though it had paused time.
I will never forget that night. It was as if I had been scooped up into the eternal embrace of the universe and, for the first time in my life, I felt the movement of love for myself tingle in my heart.
That tingle never left me and at times it rose to omnipotent heights.
But it was not long until old patterns emerged again. Fundamentally there was still a hole inside me—a disconnection.
The Wake Up Call Grew Louder
Then, when I was twenty-six my father died.
I sunk right down to the bottom of the ocean of my life and, as I sat looking at the horrors of my thought patterns swimming before me, I thought I would never escape my hell.
I expressed it all with my sister in the biggest fight we ever had. I told her that no matter what, I could never believe anyone’s love for me. Nothing would ever make me feel whole and connected.
“You honestly don’t believe that I love you?” she spoke calmly and steadily.
“No. Because I can’t,” I stated.
She was devastated.
The Point Of No Return
We spoke very little for the next week until I received a call from her. She had complained of a bad back for a while, but it had gotten so bad that she was eventually admitted to hospital.
“The thing is Jess, I have cancer and there is nothing they can do. I am going to die very soon,” she said very gently.
As I walked into the hospital, I carried my demolished heart.
She looked almost angelic lying there, so serene and beautiful. But then she always looked angelic to me.
I spoke my complete truth to her. How sorry I was for hurting her. How I loved her more than anything. And how I knew she loved me, but I just couldn’t fully open myself to love and believe it.
“I know. All I want for you is that you realize how infinitely loveable you are.” Those words spoke to a place so deep within me that it was as if the Universe had said it itself.
It was a moment of the deepest connection between our two souls. And at that moment, I made myself a promise to dedicate my life to this—to love. For her and for myself.
She passed on four weeks later.
My Awakening
Not knowing how I would ever truly believe in my own loveable nature, I solely opened myself to the willingness to change and prayed for “a miracle.”
The Universe delivered.
One day, I went to my sister’s cottage just to sit in her room, listen to the gentle wind chimes, and be still with her. As I sat there, I became aware of a book on her shelf. And this was how I discovered A Course In Miracles.
Perhaps I am now truly ready to change my perception or perhaps the Course speaks directly to that part of me that has been so disconnected.
Either way, I am finally getting it:
1. Love is who we are.
It is our innate essence and our fundamental nature. Any instance in which we think or behave in a way that is incoherent with our fundamental nature—when we are unkind to ourselves or another, or we berate ourselves or another—we have not aligned with who we truly are.
2. It is the ego-mind that separates us from our fundamental nature of love.
This ego-mind creates thoughts of psychological fear in our minds. These differ from thoughts of real fear, which are healthy and natural—for example, when our body senses a threat such as a hungry tiger snarling at us.
Thoughts of psychological fear are unnatural. They tell us, “I am not good enough,” “I don’t deserve it,” “I will never have what I want,” and so on. They judge, hate, compare, berate, alienate, frighten, and more.
3. In our natural state of being, we already are perfect.
In aligning with who we really are, we thrive internally and externally in our loving authenticity.
4. We can all choose to see the ego-mind for what it is—a manipulative, clever smoke screen illusion that tricks us into forgetting who we truly are.
We can choose to recognize thoughts of psychological fear as they arise, acknowledge that they are unnatural, and instead, return to our innate being of love.
5. A miracle is a shift in perception from psychological fear to love.
We can ask for these miracles to bless our lives every day. If we open ourselves up to the willingness to make a shift in perception, miracles will happen.
Whether we know it yet or not, this is our journey—the return to our true nature, love. This is the answer to ending our suffering. We ourselves are the happiness that we all seek.
I know that, for the rest of my soul’s journey here on this planet, I will go forever deeper into the layers of our infinite love.
And For You, Beautiful Sister
I want to thank you, sister. You gave me the greatest gift I could ever have been given. Thank you for your final gift to me—the miracle to take me back to love.
And thank you for loving me. I really believe you now.
Photo by Randy Heinitz
About Jessica Heslop
Jessica Heslop is a student of A Course In Miracles. She is the founder of Live The Life You Love, which provides inspiration and tools that support people to create the life they deserve—a life filled with authenticity, abundance, infinite love, and joy.
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